Finding Saffron

The Chaos Pen

I fear my heart has become yellow
and hardened like amber.
Was a time the world was made of gold
and life’s experience precious as saffron.
Not now, for all has soured like lemons.
My entire world been bleached to blonde.

I regret this blondness
for my broken soul yellows
as I fail to make the lemonade.
This heart of amber
no longer finds the life of saffron
while seeking the world made of gold.

What has become of this world made of gold?
Must my world be forever bleached this blonde?
Will I know again life’s flavor in saffron
or will I suffer a soul in perpetual yellowing?
Must my heart solidify in this amber?
Is there a way to free myself of the curdling lemon?

I dig through the lemons,
past the dirt of my soul to find the gold.
I need to break free from this amber
to change my world from blondness.
I wish to halt the soul from yellowing

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I March On

The Chaos Pen

Trigger Warning: This is a poem about rape, miscarriage, abortion, and the children after the events – things that have happened to me. I’ve been told I was sterile. I have been pregnant five times. I have three miracle “rainbow” children with special needs that I fight for every day. I decided to put the warning here because these are obvious topics to me that not everyone can handle well.

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Just Let them Fall (Rue’s Requiem)

In solitude I stand, alone
My world is ending
My heart is breaking
My soul is dying
Barely making sense of it all

In shame I stand, alone
Joy elude me
Pain consume me
The gods abuse me
Mocking me at every turn

In silence I stand, alone
The world crash down
Around me,
The chaos subdue me
Using strength that I don’t feel

So many tears
I’ve cried in sorrow
So many tears
I’ve cried in so much regret
So many tears
I’ve cried so many tears

Let the tears fall
Let them flow
Let them cleanse my soul

Let the tears fall
Let them flow
Until I feel whole

Just let them fall . . .

Just let them fall.