I feel like crap. Have been for the last few days – kind of like the flu type deal, but I know that isn’t what it is. I’ve had no energy and by afternoon I feel pretty dead. It sucks.
And just when I think things can’t suck anymore than they already do, I get a phone call from the school telling me that Little Bear needs to stay home from school during the two field days coming up next week.
They are still having trouble with unsafe behavior and escape attempts over there. They don’t feel they have the staff they need to keep him in check and look after the rest of the students.
It feels unspoken that given his recent behavior that he doesn’t deserve to go. I can’t argue that. There is a reason I have never requested special discipline accommodations for any of my children. There will come a time when they will be adults and I won’t be there. The world will hold them accountable.
They need to learn to hold themselves accountable. They need to learn that every action has a reaction. All the things we do in life will bring something back to us – whether for good or for ill.
So on one hand I am sad that they don’t even want to try to deal with it. Once out there on their field trip, they would be committed for the entire trip. There wouldn’t be a failsafe to fall back on.
However on the other hand, I get it. Little Bear has been aggressive during class, recess, and on the bus. He’s also made multiple attempts to run away from the school. He hasn’t earned it.
Conduct Disorder has no known med options that have been proven effective that I am aware of and the favored med class of choice is the anti-psychotic class. The side effects for those meds are long and unacceptable to me. That leaves us with focusing on stabilizing his mood, regulating his sleep, and implementing intense behavioral therapy.
So yeah, he will be staying home from school those two days. I’m debating whether or not to come up with our own family field trip for those days or to just stay home.
I am loathe to reinforce the idea that bad behavior means staying home and in the spring that seems to be what he wants more than anything. BUT I also know that he was really looking forward to one of those field trips.
I feel conflicted. I don’t want his feelings hurt yet at the same time I don’t want to give him a free pass either. I think I would have less of an issue with this if the behavior in question was very recent, but the way they talked it sounded as though they were expressing concerns based on his overall past. Particularly in regards to the last field day for those that had earned enough stickers/points/whatever and he was one short for it. Things got ugly fast when he was told he couldn’t go.
I guess the best thing for me to do is wait until each of those days come around and see how he is doing. After all, I have found that punishment for him works best when it’s immediate rather than extended over time. I’m not entirely sure he will understand that there is a connection between his past behavior and him not being allowed to go on their trips – just like last time.
And no, there was no offer for me to go as a chaperone. The last time I was there at the school, he punched a kid and I completely missed it. If he hadn’t confirmed that he had in fact punched the other child and why, I would have fought with them about it. I wouldn’t have taken him home that day. I believe that was two weeks ago.
So he has already proven to them that my presence makes no difference. And I already knew this. It just sucks.
Doesn’t help that I found out this last weekend that my husband has been telling him that he will be up here in mid-June. Upon asking him about it, I find out that he hasn’t even gotten the leave approved yet. So here he is telling Little Bear that he will be there and he doesn’t even know yet if that’s a fact.
The problem that I have with that is Little Bear is taking it as a promise and has been counting down the days – just like he had around Christmas time. I worry that he won’t show up on time like he says he will – just like Christmas time. Come to find out, he was up here on time but visiting other people instead.
Yet he claims that the boys are important to him…
He also informed me that he’s found a lawyer and will file if I still want the divorce. But when I asked, he wouldn’t give me a yes or no answer as to whether he planned to go for custody like he had threatened to last summer. All he would say was that he agrees that Little Bear shouldn’t be separated from his brothers. It makes me feel like he’s trying to tell me what he thinks I want to hear so he can get what he wants. This is his typical behavior pattern.
Then he complained how the school and hospital staff won’t talk to him (as in return his calls) but this is the first time since Christmas that he’s been willing to speak with me. I find his claims hard to believe when I know their policy is to return calls within 24 hours. So either he has been talking to them and choosing to lie to me about it for whatever reason, or he’s lying about trying to contact them as a means to get me to update him on Little Bear – which I would do without issue if he bothered to ask.
The worst part of it all… he asked me why Scholar Owl won’t talk to him anymore. I told him that Scholar Owl had an outburst during a med clinic appointment AND during a therapy appointment regarding him (which is true) and I have no idea what triggered it either time (I still don’t). The hospital staff informed me both times that due to Scholar Owl’s age and the fact that my husband doesn’t have a legal claim on him, I can’t make this boy talk to him.
My husband seemed to take it pretty well and asked me relay a message to Scholar Owl from him. It was the same kind of shit I’ve heard from him in the past when he’s trying to patch things up with me.
No, I didn’t relay the message. Scholar Owl has enough bullshit on his plate right now. I will not add to it. Besides, he has chosen to take the course of “No Contact” with this man I believe. I need to respect that.
My husband suddenly seemed very interested in what Tuxedo Cat was up to after this. All this time he barely gave the kid the time of day and whenever he’s around he treats Tuxedo Cat like he can’t do anything right. So I don’t trust this sudden interest of his. I don’t think he fully understands that over the years he has already burned this bridge with this child.
I am a firm believer in the family of choice. I have always allowed my children decide who they will call family. It bothers me to see them, including Little Bear, lean away from him but I can’t (and won’t even try to) force them to call him family of any kind.
Not sure why it bothers me so much when I know it’s his own doing. Maybe it’s because I know that they put their faith and trust in him like I had? It’s never pleasant to have your trust broken.