Today I slept off and on from 7am to just now, which is 7pm. Dad checked in on me at one point to make sure I was alright because he hadn’t seen or heard me all day. I told him I wasn’t feeling well but I didn’t need anything. Yesterday I felt like my gut was trying to die and today I just feel wiped out even though I wasn’t able to sleep at all last night. Full on “Night Owl Mode” has been activated it would seem.
Based on my other symptoms that remain I think that hypomania continues, but low key compared to what it has been before. To use a metaphor that I tried to explain it to the med clinic before it’s like being on the roller coaster waiting for it to climb, but it’s not climbing. It’s just coasting along above the ground so you can’t get off the ride and it’s not really doing anything either.
This is the part that’s new to me since taking the Topamax and it’s my understanding that this is what it’s supposed to do. It supposed to prevent me from going over the edge. Moving while dealing with the creepy landlord people AND doing NaNoWriMo AND dealing with my husband’s bullshit all at the same time pushed me over the edge. It’s little wonder now I’m exhausted despite the fact I’m still coasting. So fuck it. Let me rest. I don’t care anymore if it’s hypomania or not. I’m tired of trying to figure it out and trying to label it for a damn mood chart. I just want to sleep.
My body hurts deep down inside. Every. Joint. Especially the hips. Like someone crushed it inside the bones. Nothing makes this go away. Pain killers does not make this go away. There is one thing that distracts but it’s a can of worms of its own. And I don’t even want anyone touching me anymore, so what the hell do you do with that? I admit though that I miss the silence of the mind that it used to bring. My mind splits on this topic and it’s torture. One or the other please – I don’t care. Just pick one and commit. Leave me the fuck alone. But it never does. So the unpleasant pleasantness remains along with the fucking pain of the joints. Are the two related? I don’t know. Few people discuss hypersexuality. Fewer people still discuss the female equivalent of blue balls. Yes I said it. I want sex bad enough to die for it but the mere idea of someone touching me is enough to make me want to kill whomever fucking tries. So no, this shit doesn’t fucking happen. And it sucks. I. Hate. My. Brain.
The boys have been quiet, chill, and ultra laid back all day – except one point in the day when Little Bear had a run in with my dad downstairs. The kiddo then removed himself and spent the rest of the day upstairs. More likely he was sent upstairs seeming how my father gave me the third degree about the show he was watching on the PC. Not YouTube, but he has found an alternative to watch gamers with their Let’s Plays. *sigh* So I will need to block that too. Because now instead of Five Nights at Freddy’s it’s Kill Your Boss and games like that. And of course he waits for me to be asleep. Lovely. He keeps it up and the PC will end up on complete lock down except for when I’m awake.
See now that I’m awake and moving about he has mosied on over to the 3DS to play his Kirby game. I didn’t have to say a word. So this kid knows better and he knows it’s only a matter of time before I shut him down again. On one hand I am proud of his intellect, but this is a very old dance I’m growing tired of. I would like to just see him following the rules for a change.
My husband didn’t bother to visit or call today. I assume he spent it with his family and this is why we were able to have such a quiet day. Which is sadder, the fact I’m grateful for it or the fact that the boys never thought to question it?
