Monday Night Ramblings

Well, it’s only 6:30pm and I’ve finished Chapter 9 and written all of Chapter 10 – bringing me to Chapter 11. So in terms of my plan of 1 Prompt = 1 Chapter I’m still behind and I’m feeling the stress of that despite my word count being above par as of today.


I wish every day was as productive as last Monday where I hit 6k words. I know part of the problem is I’m also juggling scheduling the prompts and making videos along with the everyday household stuff. Last year I hit the 50k mark on the 21st and while I’m fairly confident I’ll hit that mark before the end of the month, I don’t feel as driven this year. Not sure if it’s due to the natures of the stories, or the difference in circumstances I’m going through. No idea why, but I seem to thrive when things are in a critical state.

To be honest, I’m not sure if the word “thrive” is accurate for what I’m trying to describe but last year while we’re were moving during NaNo I felt like I had a clear purpose. This year I feel like I’m just muddling around trying to figure myself out all over again.

Today I received letters from the military health insurance that we (not Little Bear though) have been dropped from coverage, effective as of the 7th. The ire I feel is not that it happened, because I knew it will, but that the court clerk had made it very clear to me that I wasn’t allowed to process any paperwork until the divorce was legally official.

She said once the case was docked, it will be held for 21 days for any possible appeals and if none were filed then it was done. I can’t control what he does, but it’s frustrating that I’m not supposed file for Medicaid or SNAP or SSI or even get the child support order processed until those 21 days are up.

I’ll be surprised if he sends the child support of his own accord by this Friday (the order says the 1st and 3rd of every month). It wouldn’t be as big of a deal if we didn’t have weekly medical appointments. Medicaid is retroactive, but that’s not the point. Assuming the case was docked the same day as our final hearing, the soonest I can start all that paperwork is the 22nd and even then it takes time for all of that to be processed. He didn’t even wait a week.

I suppose this is my crisis for the month. It could be worse. Loads worse. We could be without supportive extended family. We could be homeless. I would be lying if I said that fear wasn’t trying to find purchase inside me. Fear of so many things. Like fucking this all up and losing the boys. Logically I know there is no basis for this fear which means I need to get off my ass and get my meds refilled – ASAP. Soon as I get medical coverage back. I hate the brain fog the meds bring. I hate the increase in thought gapping. I hate the deterioration of my vocabulary. But I hate living in nonsensical fear that I can’t shake even more. I’m scheduled to see my therapist tomorrow so I intend to discuss it with her to see if there is a non-med strategy available to combat this in my head.

Part of me says I should just gather up all the paperwork I need and start filling it all out. Once the 21 days are up, I could then submit it all in a single shot. Far as I know there’s no law against collecting paperwork and getting it ready in advanced.

With everything going on, I feel tempted to put making videos on hold. The writing holds higher priority in my head and I have a butt load of errands coming up now. My military ID expired not too long ago so I’m not sure they’ll let me on the reserve base to speak with the people in their legal office. Pretty sure that as long as he’s serving the military they collect the child support to send to the custodial parent rather than the state. Chances are I’ll have to get Dad to go with me.

So I guess there’s nothing else to do other than to fire up that to-do list and start checking shit off. Already feeling like it will be a miracle if I can get the video I started making done before Wednesday.

  • Get a case manager for the boys to help with the SSI paperwork (Tuxedo Cat received it before ex joined the Army, so I expect he will again but having a case manager handle it will improve the odds and now that the other two are diagnosed, they might qualify too)
  • Pick up the paperwork for Medicaid and SNAP
  • Contact the legal office at the reserve base about the child support order
  • finish this week’s video
  • debating as to whether I ought to apply for SSI/SSDI or not  (my parents insist that I should) but I’m not particularly fond of the idea of admitting I’m disabled, feels like I’m giving up but damn, I need to feed these boys somehow and I’m not sure I can make it as a writer much less anything else anymore

The list is fairly short, but feels overwhelming to an extent. And none of it can be ignored. I can just hear in my head Dad pointing out the video and the writing, but if I want to make it as a blogger/author then absolutely not. No writer ever got anywhere by writing nothing.

7 thoughts on “Monday Night Ramblings

  1. I understand how you feel about trying to get SSI for disability. It’s so hard to admit to ourselves that we need it, that we may never work outside the home again. But you’re right in my opinion that you should do it for the kids. It takes forever to get disability, so I would start now.

    • Yeah, the first time I filed Tuxedo Cat’s SSI forms it took 6 months for the paperwork to process. That’s not counting the time it took getting everything needed for the forms or the interviews done. I think this is part of the reason my therapist is trying to bump up my referral for a nerupsych eval. Pretty sure they will need that if I file for myself. And the therapist said that if NAMI approved Little Bear for Level 2 respite (I still can’t express how upsetting it is to know he’s considered more severe than Tuxedo Cat), he will likely qualify for SSI as well with no problem. Both of those kiddos have had a neuropsych, but Scholar Owl hasn’t so I’ll need to discuss with his med staff to find out about that. There’s growing concerns about his functionally as he gets closer to adulthood. I worry that he may have more than just Bipolar. As if that’s not enough to deal with.

      • Wow, that is really a lot to deal with. I’m so sorry I haven’t been around much to keep up with everything. It sounds like you really have your hands full. I hope the SSI process goes as smoothly as possible for you and your little ones.

      • To be fair I didn’t post a heck of a lot during most of it. Kind of dropped off for awhile – even with the mood trackers. I think I got really stuck in my head. I still think the divorce is the best thing for the family, but it doesn’t alter the fact that change feels scary. I hate paperwork. It feels like mindless busy work to me. Based on my experience the first time around with Tuxedo Cat’s filing process and all that I’ve heard from others with their experiences, I think getting a case manager to help you handle all of it is the best way to go. A good case manager stays on top of it and knows exactly who to talk to and when to keep it rolling forward. So the first step is getting a case manager. After that it’s just going through the motions.

      • Change is always scary, but you believe in what you did and that will help make it a little easier.

        I like the idea of getting a case manager. The paperwork is daunting and getting someone to help you who knows how to navigate the system sounds like a good plan to me!

      • If it hadn’t been for the case manager the first time around I think I would have been so overwhelmed that I wouldn’t have gotten it done. I have no desire to do it by myself this time around either if I can help it.

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