New med got started this week hoping it will help with the seasonal downswing. By the end of the week it seems to be helping mood wise, but not so much with the sleep.

Overview

Finally tested negative for Covid. I’m as of today I’m starting to feel some of my energy return. Still struggling with some blue funkiness that’s rolling around inside, but I’m getting there.

Most of this week has been spent sleeping. Honestly before this, the worst illness I had ever gotten was the swine flu when it first broke out. I couldn’t even sit up without experiencing vertigo back then. If a “mild” case of Covid feels close to that, I can’t even imagine what it’s been like for those with severe cases of it. It’s been almost ten days and I still have lingering stuffiness in the head and an occasional cough.

I haven’t eaten this much kimchi in years, but it does the trick with clearing the sinuses. Oddly I haven’t lost my sense of smell or taste through all this. Really the only thing I’ve been really struggling with is how this has triggered a depressive episode just when I was starting to feel the seasonal lift.

End of the week I spent it sick. I feel about the same as I did when I had the swine flu back when Little Bear was 5 months old and got it. And since the day this goes live is the same day I need to take the second Covid test, I’ll just put it here that the second test came out positive.

In many ways, I feel like life is moving without me.

Overview

Spent most of this week focused on listening to my body and just resting as much as I could. I did try to get some writing done, but I don’t feel very productive as a result. Pretty much done with pushing myself to meet expectations, real or perceived, that are consistently beyond my limits. I don’t like feeling as though I’ve been set up to fail no matter how hard I try. Time to do things differently.

Overview

I am behind on the blog. So very far behind on the blog. Still swamped with trying to unpack my own stuff from storage. I don’t have this month’s story written for my Patreon written yet. I feel so very overwhelmed. The anxiety levels are reaching the point of terror. To say that I feel like a disappointment and a failure is grossly understated and inadequate for what’s going on with me inside right now. My brain, my thoughts, will not pull together to focus on any one thing long enough to get anything functional done. I’m angry and frustrated. Usually by this time of year I have most, if not all, of my writing prompt posts written and scheduled for the year. That’s not even close to the case this year right now. It feels like everything is blowing up in my face right now and I’m just wrecking everything. Like I’m waiting to drown in my storm as I’m scrambling to salvage the debris to reconstruct some semblance of normalcy and control, when there is none. And all of this is internal. No matter how much coffee I drink, I cannot clear the clutter in my head. My thoughts are that scattered right now. What triggered this? Fucked if I know. Probably just that I simply reach my max capacity limit to cope with everything that is going on in the world for all of us right now. We all have a limit. And of course, it hits at the worst possible time. We never have it hit when we have the time to recharge, recoup, or replace our batteries. So in a way, I think it’s an excellent lesson for me regarding self-care and how I approach and manage that aspect of my life. Am I making sure my batteries are being recharged daily so I can prevent or mitigate episodes like this one? How am I attempting to do that? Is it effective? Because like I keep saying, you can’t pour from an empty cup. I’m still going to work on shit, because I know me well enough that my anxiety and dread will only mount and climb higher until I get this shit taken care of. It’s bad enough that sometimes my posts don’t go live when they’re scheduled to. It’s even worse when they don’t even get written. And you as the reader don’t even know what’s going on. So right now, that’s what’s going on. I’m not doing well. But I’m owning my shit and doing my best to get this back on track.