Far as I can tell, I got all the electronics, movies, and games except my PC and Scholar Owl’s PC packed and hauled over to my parents’ house today before my therapy appointment. Discovered that the Kinnect sensor bar for the Xbox 360 has gone missing along with a handful of games. The cases are still there sitting on the bookcase shelf, but they are empty. All kid games. More than a little upsetting.Didn’t get the fridge scrubbed out but I did try to scrub the toilet. Do not know what is staining this toilet but I have yet to get this damn thing to come clean since I have moved in here. I’m ready to try CLR. Only thing about this cleaning product is it tends to wreck porcelain finish. I’m about ready to not care. It’s that bad. I’ve tried Pinesol. Tried Lestoil. Tried Comet. Tried damn near all toilet bowl cleaners. Today I even used this “urine stain remover” hoping that’s what it was. NOPE. Whatever this is it’s still there. But the water here is really hard water. So yea, I’m thinking the only thing that is going to clean this horrid brown stain is CLR (which stands for Calcium, Lime, and Rust). If I don’t let it sit long on the porcelain hopefully it will still clean it without ruining the finish.

Refilled all Fabreeze air fresheners too. Really wish they wouldn’t make the caps so hard to take off. It always feels like you’re about to rip your skin off in the process of unscrewing them. I use those “Noticables” brand of theirs. You know the ones that come with two scents that pair together so it releases one scent for a second and then releases the other. The result is you end up with a strong, fresh scent you always notice. I prefer the lavender combo, but this time and the last time I bought the Gain because it comes in a three pack and I have three plug-in units. That and it smells like soap. Trying to go for a clean smell right now. Seems like everywhere I go I find yet another thing that got hoarded away that shouldn’t have been that’s been rotting. I have yet to understand why they do this and I just can’t keep ahead of it.

I swear to God I’m not lazy. I swear I like – LOVE – having a clean home. There was a time you could eat off my toilet (gross) if you so desired because I kept it that clean. Now I don’t really recommend eating anywhere in there without cleaning the spot yourself first – just to be 100% sure it’s actually clean. And my father wonders why we go out to eat so often or why I buy disposable dishes or ready to eat groceries – you get the idea. The less I have to clean, to mess with, to deal with, or to struggle with, the better.

If that makes me lazy then fine. Excuse me all to hell for not cooking from scratch using real, washable dishes anymore. Fuck. That. Shit. Easier to buy a preassembled lasagna in a disposable pan that I can warm up in the oven. Better yet, just order pans of pasta from Pizza Hut all ready to go and call it good. My boys are fed. They are not malnourished. I am meeting their needs, but somehow I am lazy and lacking motivation. No. I’m just not doing it your way. And yea, I’m pretty grumpy about this. Spoke to my therapist about all this and she pointed it out.

So yea. I think I’m doing okay and I’m just going to need to accept the fact that chances are I will never measure up to whatever standards my parents have for me. Especially given the fact my mother said that I am someone that needs to be pushed. My therapist asked, “Pushed into what?” I told her that my mother didn’t say and that I have no idea. Interesting that no one is pushing me to pack my things in the apartment or get any of this cleaning done. Interesting how the only person helping me with it is my oldest son. So why is it that she says I am someone that needs pushing? If that’s the case wouldn’t I need pushing now? I suppose in a way I have been pushed with the whole weird trespassing thing but the rooms at my parents’ house aren’t fully ready to move in yet. There is one room they are just now getting started on. I don’t have a choice now. I can’t wait for them to get shit done anymore. I’ve been waiting two months for them already now, but supposedly I’m the one with no motivation and I’m the one who is lazy.

I should be working on my book for NaNoWriMo or trying to move more stuff but I am mega tired at the moment. And it seems like all my brain wants to do right now is rant. Not exactly a productive frame of mind to be in. Hopefully I can kick myself in gear later tonight.