Last year I had resolved to focus on developing and holding better boundaries. I think I did alright. I still have a lot of progress to make, but I don’t feel pushed around and walked on as much as I used to. That’s got to count for something, right?
Little Bear got his neuropsych eval completed and the school district finally granted him an IEP. It was a long three year battle, but I think the war with getting this kid to participate in school is only just beginning. Right now he’s still doing everything he can think of to get kicked out. We’ll get there. Eventually.
The other major event for this year was me finally getting divorced. I’m still slogging through a mental swamp of trying to figure out what to do with myself now. I’ve spent most of this month unproductively brooding over that. It’s an odd place to be when you finally accepted the fact you can’t rescue someone that doesn’t want to be rescued and continues to deny services they need. I feel as though a large chunk of free time has been dumped on me that I don’t know what to do with on a productive level. This probably means that somewhere in my core being, I’m co-dependent.
Having said that, I think this year I’ll build upon last year’s resolution by focusing more on self-care. I’m going to allow myself to have this free time to explore the new me with a priority on remaining stable to the best of my ability.
Just a week or two before Christmas came, I had this impending sense of doom and a frequent tightening of my chest. I took the time to realize it was the early signs of a panic attack and at first I thought it meant my Bipolar was acting up. As the days went by, it occurred to me that this wasn’t symptoms of my Bipolar, but symptoms of my PTSD that I all too often pretend doesn’t exist.
My ex-husband often goes on leave and comes to visit us on Christmas. It always brings dread because it never fails to stir shit up to the point that Little Bear unravels and destabilizes and I’m left to pick up the pieces in the months to follow until his next visit. This year he didn’t come to visit and the boys have been calmer this vacation. Time will only tell if Little Bear will destabilize over the next few months like he has in the past (suggesting it’s a seasonal trigger) or not (suggesting it’s a situational trigger).
I’m not wound up this year like I have been in the past, I have suffered fewer migraines, and it’s been years since I last experienced a full-blown panic attack. All of this tells me just how important self-care really is and I have no desire to let any of it slide. No idea yet what improving upon that will look like, but I intend to continue experimenting and exploring various methods to figure out what works for me.
What are your plans for the new year?
You say you’re codependent but you don’t have to be co dependent on the same person you used to be. Change is good and I hope your 2018 is an amazing year
I’ve been wondering about codependency because I often feel at a loss when not busy playing rescue or handling someone else’s crisis. I hadn’t intended to imply that I haven’t changed.
I think learning to set boundaries has been a big change for me. And in retrospect, this alone may have more to do with me having less chaotic days this past year than anything else. When I wrote this post I thought I was feeling this way mostly due to the divorce, but I now see it is more complex than that. I didn’t just set boundaries with my ex, but with everyone in my life so yeah, less drama and hassle all around.
What has me concerned is how lost I feel without it. I used to crave solitude something fierce and now that I have that private space and time, I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t want to go back to the old ways because I’m more stable now. I hope to find things that bring me honest joy to fill that void rather than someone else’s priorities. You know, just doing stuff for me to keep me stable.
I get what you mean. Have you tried picking up a hobby? A sport or a language are good because you can socialise. I used to do a lot of swimming and I play in an orchestra. Not a professional one just a fun one with my friends. (I think I sound terrible) But it’s the getting out there which is hard. I think the reason I actually started my blog was to socialise. If you are co dependent don’t be co dependent on one person. Surround yourself with people so that if one person les you down you are still not let alone. Xx
I do have hobbies… the trouble is I have family that think those are a waste of time – anything from the arts in particular. This is where having better boundaries comes in, especially since for the time being my boys and I are living with my parents.
I absolutely understand. I haven’t gone through a divorce or anything as remotely difficult but I can really understand the concept of your family not likening your hobbies. My sisters are just doing their GCSEs and when they picked their subjects, my mum basically just picked for them. It was like: ‘can I do or?’
‘No. How about further maths?’
But a good idea might be to see where you can get too without really listening. This can be really hard especially with people like parents. If you find this too hard, I think Id just try to spend quality time with your boys because it’s most likely shaken them, too.
(I meant pe not or)
Well, the divorce was a formality in paperwork at this point. My now ex-husband hasn’t lived with us since 2013. The boys and I moved in with my parents a year before the divorce. He filed this last summer and it was finalized this fall. The only thing that changed was the finances and a piece of paper. I’m not saying the boys haven’t been affected, but what I am saying is the grieving pretty much occurred long before the court process ever began.
And having said all that, I do think that improving the quality of time that I have with my sons is a very good idea.
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