Got more packing done, but not a lot. I feel like in some ways I’m boxing up my life to be just stuffed somewhere to be forgotten. That bothers me. Another part of me just wants to say to hell with it and throw it all away. Start over. Like that fixes anything. I know I strongly feel that way about the kitchen. It’s that horrible and I’m that tired inside.
Stopped by the storage unit place because for some reason this people would not answer their damn phone. When I got there, I found out why. Their office was closed up and the lady came out of her house to find out what I wanted. She told me all her units were full and she had a waiting list. Seriously? If you were going to do that, the least you could do was say that in your voice message on your answering machine. So now I need to shop around and find some other place.
Dad hopes to start painting the last room tomorrow and says that will give me two weekends with my brother for moving all my stuff. I think I need to hook up with some other people to make all this happen. I hate time crunches and I feel like the pressure is on now. I still don’t have a place to put anything.
To top it all off today I realized too late that Scholar Owl had a therapy appointment this morning and that we missed it. I spoke with his therapist and updated her with everything that is going on. Since he only goes once a month, the three of us decided it would be best to wait until after the move to schedule another appointment. Less likely to miss it again that way. I’m relieved that she was understanding but upset with myself that I dropped the ball.
There is just too much shit going on in my head, which brings me to my next train of thought…
I reread my post from this morning. I’m a bit struck by the flight of ideas going in there and I had to fix at least one mistyped word. I’m sure there are more in there and I will have to fix it the next time I read it. Yes, I go back and read my posts often. My mind is calmer now, but I don’t think I can safely say I’m off the edge of hypomania. Not even sure if I’m on the edge. Maybe my foot has crossed the line? I don’t know. How the hell do you tell without actually being off the deep end? Just looking at that post tells me I need to be concerned. It’s not that I’m wild or outlandish with anything I said in it. I do know that I have a hard time sticking to just one topic with my personal posts – it’s a thing of mine, I know. But what concerns me is the overall energy of that post, the way it flows, the mix of emotions, and how I jumped from one topic to the next.
Makes me think of white water rafting when you planned on hiking (or anything else but rafting) if that makes any sense at all. Bottom line is I don’t want to change my meds and I’m hoping like hell that this bullshit going on with my life right now is leading up to a med change. I’m hoping that I can hurry up and finish the move to settle things down. I need to stabilize myself because it looks like I’m destabilizing and it feels like my parents are encouraging it.
I mean last week I honestly had a part of me want to drop the meds just so I could have the damn motivation they keep talking about. I didn’t intentionally miss those meds, but I didn’t take them as soon as I realized I missed them either like I normally do either. Not their fault. That’s on me and I paid a huge price for that. A big fat whopping migraine that left me wishing I could just not exist for part of the day.
Who the fuck wants that shit? Not. Me. So tomorrow I have a therapy appointment and I will be hopefully remembering to talk with her about how to curb check this slide without a change in meds. I do remember telling her last week that I felt like I might be sliding that direction. Now I don’t know if I’m still sliding or if I’m in there, but it doesn’t matter. I need to know how to get myself back to baseline if I can.
I do know the first thing I need to do (besides making sure to take my meds) is to make sure I stick to my sleep schedule. Boring as hell, but mega important. I used to say all the time I would sleep when I’m dead. Well, I’m starting to realize if I don’t sleep I’m going to end up dead before I’m ready. Not sure what else I can do for self care at this point that will improve my mood stability right away. Maybe I ought to crack out the heating pads and electric blanket for my bed/couch to sleep with. Should help with recovering from all the lifting if nothing else. If I’m lucky it will help relieve stress too.
Oh speaking of which… over at NaNo it seems that soundtracks for writing is a thing. I have other playlists, but this is my favorite – especially the first song, “Crystallize” by Lindsey Sterling. It’s a really cool piece, very uplifting, and very relaxing too. So I leave it here as a thank you to all of you for being here for me. I hope you like the piece as much as I do.